Does anyone else miss the Cold War?


OK, stop me when this starts to sound familiar: weird, quasi-European accent; villainous scheme for world domination stemming from humble beginnings; a plot to kill anyone who gets in his way; exquisitely neat facial hair; a string of nameless scantily-clad beauties; numerous extortion attempts; the theft of secret technology; palatial floating lair.

I am of course describing Roman Abromovich, who seems to have massively missed the point of the last twenty-odd Bond films.

The latest two additions to his, ahem, arsenal (sorry) are the world’s largest privately-owned yacht, the M/Y Eclipse – which is currently being built under a cloud of secrecy off the Baltic coast – and, more bizarrely, the world’s largest drill, which has a frankly terrifying diameter of 19 metres. That’s bigger than any Brachiosaurus skeleton that’s been found by the way.

The M/Y Eclipse costs a modest £200million, and at 550 feet, is just about long enough to house a couple of decent par 3 golf holes. By my calculations, he will require nearly as many men to crew this yacht as the entire Irish navy.

Regular features of the Eclipse include:

  • A small hospital, staffed by his own private medical team (a good use of resources that would’ve otherwise probably just been wasted on people in Africa or something)
  • Anti-bugging windows that have flash sensors to warn of paparazzi attacks
  • A cinema, an aquarium (why, you’re already on water), a disco (presumably with a time machine to take you back to the 1970s), a sauna, a steam room, and a large outdoor ‘bathing complex’ where Roman can presumably host on of his world-famous sexy parties (cheers for the invite by the way).

Optional Bond villain extras then include:

  • Bulletproof glass
  • A surface-to-surface missile detection system
  • Two £1million helicopters in indoor hangers
  • Four detachable speedboats and 20 jet skis
  • A £2million, 12-seter, submarine (for ore-extraction and quick getaways)

We might joke, but he’s a pretty class act; you know you’re doing something right when 50 Cent wishes he rolled like you.

So, this drill then. Has Roman actually got to the stage in where he simply has too much money and just has to buy the ‘world’s largest…’ well, everything? His Moscow company Infastruktura (cool name) announced the purchase last week, but speculation is still rife as to what exactly he plans to do with it. Perhaps he took ultra-rubbish film The Core a bit too seriously and thinks a journey to the centre of the earth would make a good jolly?

One genuine suggestion is that he plans to make a Channel Tunnel-style link between Russia and America by drilling a subterranean passage across the Bering Strait between Siberia and Alaska. If so, then this would be a truly phenomenal feat of both engineering and also diplomacy, considering it wasn’t long that the two superpowers were casually aiming nuclear warheads at one another.

Further conjecture includes rumours that Frank Lampard is no longer able to get his stomach inside the Stamford Bridge canteen, so they plan to widen the entrance, and also that Roman simply intends to destablise every country-that-isn’t-called-Russia’s landmass and kill us all.


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